Been a long time coming

I think this blog has been such a long time coming but after the dream I had last night it has given me the urge to finally write it. 

Most people know what a tough few months these last ones have been with one day being engaged and the next being single. No words can describe how it all felt. 

I felt like I hadn't tried my best to persuade him that we could work. I realised that when two people that I work with had gotten back together. That was a complete shock to me because they seemed that they had passed the point of getting back together. When I found out their news I was so happy for them – yet so sad for myself because I wouldn't get the happy ending that they got. And then when I got promoted it made me think about to the time that I went on the OJE for the promotion and he had referred to it as “our promotion”. At the time it was our promotion and to an extent it still is ours, if I hadn't have completely thrown myself into work after being left broken hearted then I may not have gotten to place I am now. 

After really thinking what could I do to make me happy I realised that it came all back him. I spoke to a few people about what I was thinking and came up with the idea of asking him out on a date. Yes I truly put myself out their. But I got some great words from a friend “but hey loves with it m’dear” that gave me the courage. That horrible feeling in your tummy and clammy hands but I asked him. I had already put so much thought into what we could do and where we could go. What I'd planned I thought was perfect. He said no. That was the first time I'd asked someone out on a date and I got a no, I must have the worst history with guys! He'd said that there was too much ‘water under the bridge’. It really annoyed me, how can you go from taking a chance in getting engaged to someone to not having the slightest feeling to take chance to go on a date with them? 

Well we had settled on going for a drink as friends. Arranged a date and everything then the evening before got that message that I was kind of expecting. Yes I got cancelled on. Even though I left it open to rearrange nothing was said or even hinted. Now that I am moving back to Northampton and I know he is back living there and we hadn't seen each other since he rang me to tell me that we were completely over. I don't think that I'd be ready to just bump into him on the streets. At least if I knew it was coming then I'd be ready. 

It’s getting so close to what would have been our anniversary and I'm dreading it more and more.  

Six Months Later...

It’s been such a busy few months. So much has happened yet I’ve had no inspiration to write.

That was until recently.

I really liked someone that I shouldn’t. If anyone has been in that situation it is so horrible. You can’t stop yourself from liking somebody no matter who it is. Well it turned out that they kinda thought I was a bit alright too. I was mega happy and thought it was going to be all ‘happy ever after’, that didn’t happen. The lad that I fell for is my housemate… Christ! Come on Danielle you know better than that.

Anyone that knows me would know that that is certainly something that I did not want to happen at all. The fact that I am in my third year at uni and recently got promoted does not help. I am such a stressy pants all the time. Could I really have a boyfriend.

We got on so well and thought we should give it a go. Why not ehh. Well I shall just say that was a silly thing to do. It made me like him even more and now that we have said we should just be friends it feels bloody rubbish! I am not at all an emotional person but this week has been hellish, I’ve been unbelievably upset by everything.

I have asked lots of my friends for advice on what to do. That hasn’t helped one bit. Someone very close to me told me ‘that if a lad likes you then they will do whatever they can to be with you’ and the fact that we live together means that they are ‘proper feelings’. Her words just stick with me and I keep thinking has he tried as much as he could/can. I just don’t know, I am not really a talker when it comes to feelings and I would rather not say how I feel. That was really hard for him. But the fact that he lives with me and still likes me, I’m just shocked! I have been told how terrible I look in a morning and to be very honest I don’t really care how I look around the house either. He must need glasses right!

Now everything is over though and we are just friends, it is so horrible. All of the time I just want to go and give him a cuddle and be how we were, before. I feel like I don’t really know how to be around him anymore and what is acceptable to act like.

I don’t even know how to finish this. I don’t want things to be how they are. Yet can I be with my housemate. 

I am so torn.

Yet there is nothing that I can do about it now. It is too late.

Just A Little Bit Home Sick

My blog has taken such an invisible role in the last few months. And believe me, writing this now it such a strange feeling, I am feeling like it has been way too long. I have half written many blogs but I have had little motivation to finish them. Now I am feeling like if I do not finish this one, I may never blog again.

I have thought so much about my blog and things that I have wanted to write about but a lot just makes me what to write anonymously. I am in such a split mind about what to do. I only want one blog and there is only so much that can be said in one that everyone knows who is writing it. Yes, like everyone else I have things that I don’t really want to broadcast with people knowing it was me.

Have you ever worked really hard for something that at the time you thought that you really wanted and at the time you thought it would make you happier?

I made a very rash decision and now there is not a chance of being able to turn the clock and think about what I was actually thinking about doing. Once I make my mind up I do not wait and think about what will happen when I follow it through.

My mum said to me one day when I was home, ‘why hadn’t I thought about getting a job where I am at uni’. And at the time, home was so different and if I was living there now, yes it would still be the same. Once you are so used to living on your own, as in without your parents bottle feeding you and doing everything for you, it is almost impossible to go back. I have grown into loving my own independence. I would not want to live back at home permanently again. Although all I want at the moment is to go home and my mum to ask me what I would like to for tea and to not have to make it myself.

I saw pictures of my sister on Facebook the other day and I had no clue that it was her! I only realised that it was her when I saw that she was tagged in the picture. I am missing out on so much and the way that things are going at work, when I will be returning for good back the Derbyshire is moving greater and greater into the distance.

It is this that is constantly on my mind and I am not sure how I feel about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job and what could happen, but here is not home. The question I am really asking myself at the moment is, do I really want this and is it really worth it.

At the moment these are things that I really need to think about.

Everyone says that “the grass is greener on the other side”. And I do not want to get to the other side and be disappointed. Yet the half of me does not want to regret not doing something.

This is one big decision that I actually need to bloody think long and hard about. You only get one shot at life and all I want is to be happy. 

Leave Things Up To Coincidence

Last night for the first time I found out what all the hype was about. That’s right I have finally watched 500 Days of Summer. I’m not really one of them people that have watched ten million films and watch them all the time. Hence my excuse for not having seen it until now. I loved it. But it definitely has got me thinking.

Watching this, my best friend asked me if I thought love existed. Now I know that I don’t come across as someone that is open about love and feelings and have what has been described as a heart of stone. But I obviously think that love exists. I really hope it does anyway.

Too many people are just looking for love. I think that people should Stop Bloody Looking! When you are ready to love and be loved it will just happen. Be that with someone you have meet for two minutes or someone you have known for your life time. Or you could be sat in a deli, reading Dorian Gray and a guy walks up and asks you about it. Everyone wants a spontaneous moment.

I feel that people are very quick to rush into wanting love and it isn’t there, they are trying with someone that isn’t compatible with them. Or someone that isn’t ready for love just yet. Why waste your time, if you think you’re in love, surely it is forever and you don’t need to rush into anything.

I am not one of them people that are just looking for love. I want to be able to have some good stories. I want to live. If I spent all my time trying to find love I would have so many regrets, I wouldn’t be living my life to the full. I would rather have the best time possible and find love at 80 years old than be looking all my life than never find it. The more you look the less likely you will be at finding it.

I am always the one that is telling this same best friend that she does not need a man in her life to make her happy. Happiness comes from within you. You don’t need love to make you happy.

So what if you haven’t got a boyfriend. There is so much more to life than lads and love. Leave life up to coincidence.

A Facebook Stalk

Let me just close Facebook and have a moment.

Sometimes it just takes one person, hat you trust their opinion, to be like “look, what are you doing girl? Sort yourself out”.

Okay so it wasn’t as nicely put together as that, although if someone had said that it would have done the trick. But if I was to word it exactly how they had it would one embarrass me and to be honest I can’t remember.

This was said because I do and I will! After they thought that were harsh but tough love is the best, I would rather have the harsh truth.

So after this I was trying to make myself feel a little better by just having a gander at people on Facebook, finding out the gossip and that but then I came across someone that I just couldn’t get off their profile.

This is so hard. Writing blogs drunk is so much easier, that’s most likely because I don’t care. But now I just feel like I don’t want to be too open on here.

Okay, so in the past I have really liked lads and silly me has just been having a Facebook stalk. OMG like how desperate – that’s what everyone’s thinking right because I would if someone said that. But hello! Everyone does it.

So, yeah, there’s this certain lad and it just ended really badly. I like to just have a little look on his profile every now and again (even though we aren’t friends). I just like to see how he is doing.

I know it’s bad. I should just stay away from his profile, but it is so hard.

I just feel that I regret how things have worked out. I am in no way saying that I want to be with him because I really don’t, everyone knows when relationships aren’t gonna work, this one wasn’t. But I do think that it wouldn’t have been that bad if we would have still been friends.

One of the worst parts is that he text me on my birthday, it was such a lovely thoughtful thing to do and I was a bit taken back by it. I wasn’t as nice as I should have been I was very offhand with him but to be honest it was my birthday and it was a busy day. So when it came to his birthday I didn’t do anything. Now I feel really bad but at the time I had my excuse:

·         .I don’t have his number

·        .We aren’t Facebook friends

·         .I’m not friends with any of his friends

·         .I just couldn’t private mail him seen as the last things that we said aren’t pleasant and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to reread them.

What I really want to do is pick up a pen and write him a letter. I find it so much easier actually writing things down.

I know full well that once something has happened you cannot change it. And I know I previously said that I regret it but if it hadn’t have happened then I wouldn’t have learnt and grew from the experience.

In life I like to think things happen for a reason, this gives me hope that my actions can never fully (I want to say destroy but I feel it’s too powerful) mess my life up. 

Cheesy But True

It has been too long since I last wrote a blog. To be honest it has been a lack of inspiration and a lack of time! I wrote a blog the other day but I was too worried I’d get too much bad criticism, was a risky subject.

Like most people my age I have an iPhone and go on Instagram a fair bit (okay more than a bit, everyone likes a cheeky double tap!). I was just having a little look at other people’s pictures and came across women’s rules or something like that. These consisted of pictures of quotes.

As I was reading through these quotes I realised how I really needed to take on board what they were saying. I know everyone will think “omg these quotes are like well cheesy” and yes they are but I don’t really care. When I saw them they made me happy and for anyone that has this perfect life that they don’t need cheering up, smell the roses!

The #56 Rule of a Lady:

It’s okay not to be okay.

Okay so this made think you know what, everyone is feels sad at times and it is okay. It’s normal.

The #75 Rule of a Lady:

Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.

This one is so relevant to me! I don’t cry! Okay when I’m drunk I do a little but that does not count in my eyes. So yes I don’t cry and when you actually do, it is a bloody shock to the system. You have to have bad times that you cry about because if you lived a ‘safe and easy’ life it would be boring and let’s be honest, you wouldn’t really be living. I learnt crying is good. (I would still hate it but not so much, I’d rather do things that would make me upset than have regrets).

The #30 Rule of a Lady:

Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people care, the rest are just curious.

I learnt very recently that I need to open up to people. I am a private person; I hate everyone knowing what’s going on with me. But choose wisely who you open to up, with me I wouldn’t tell anyone who I didn’t trust, I’d like to think who I tell things to do actually care and are not curious. I guess this quote is one that you learn from your mistakes from.  

The #61 Rule of a Lady:

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from men.

A lot of people are like “I hate being single”, I personally don’t, but it is very easy to say “life would be so much happier with a boyfriend”. No, no it wouldn’t. You can’t have things going on it your life that make you unhappy and think that adding someone else into your mess is going to make you happy. Relationships are not everything. Be happy in yourself and when a relationship is the right thing for you it will come along. At least that what I hope so anyway.

I haven’t really had a good few weeks and seeing these quotes made me feel that things will get better. No matter how weak, alone or unhappy you feel, you just have to think of something that will make you feel better… or talk about it. 

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You know what, I am not the type of girl to be all lovey dovey but to have someone like that would be amazing.

I don’t really like showing lads how I feel hence why I’m “too sarcastic or just plain mean”.

Lads seem to always think girls want serious relationships and to be honest, no I don’t want to marry you but let’s just see how things go.

Normally I play it too not botheredy (if that’s even a word) and I come across not interested, but tell me, how can a girl be interested without coming across too keen? Okay to the lad I don’t come across keen or even interested but inside and to my friends I am crazy about them.

I can’t see a balance between too keen and not interested. I kinda feel I’m back to year nine where I don’t really know how to act around lads (okay a certain lad).

I don’t want to risk being too proud/embarrassed to say the truth but do I really want to not say anything at the same time?

Half of me is telling myself grow up Danielle he is a silly crush and you are thinking a little (lot) above your level of hotness…

And the other,

Go for it girl what you got to lose? Other than your dignity and embarrass yourself. So not a lot really.

I guess at heart no matter how old we are when it comes down to “love” we are all as clueless as each other. We just need to rely on the good advice of our friends to help us out and lead us to the right decision.